August 11, 2019

- so I've decided to start a blog. I know how this must look, especially since the blogging scene is something that I associate with the early 2000s. But here I am. WHY? -- it's a way for me to process. I've been trying to think of a way to tell people what I'm thinking, with the benefit of being behind a screen. I've tried traditional journaling and to no avail. Something about being able to let people read your deepest thoughts with out it being linked to you is impossible with a journal. Enter blogger and here we are, finally able to send this out to the web and remain somewhat incognito. 

- Today I remained lazy... Something I'm used to but also trying to break. During the week I'm a 8-4 worker, but the weekends -- usually jam packed with seeing the other half, but sometimes separate. This is one of those weekends. I've been working on some attachment issues with my therapist and part of that is remaining independent while balancing some codependency. That has been the most difficult. I am usually only wanting to see one person, and it doesn't matter what we do, just that we're together. But that's the thing with a relationship. Sometimes you need to be yourselves, alone and able to recharge. So today I painted. I'm not good in the slightest. I don't think there's an artistic bone in my body, but anyone can paint-by-numbers. Its therapeutic in itself. I put on headphones, grab a color, then when I'm done with that color, an hour has passed. Spent most of the day doing that. Then I got high... If you've never been high before, well it can cause you to think about a lot. I thought about music and whether the world would be as it is without it. I thought about the first musician and what that person might have been like. Who decided what music was? Do we even know? Now that I think about it, I could have looked that up on the internet, but its good to let your mind wonder! I don't know what this blog is going to look like, I suppose because I've never done something like this. So that makes it difficult because I don't exactly know what to say. But then again -- I'm being authentically me. So, today was a good day for me. I noticed I was slipping into a dark hole and got out of the house to keep from falling in completely. I painted, listened to music, thought about music, created a blog, wrote about that music (while also listening to that music), and now I'm singing off for the night. If this is going to be a daily entry I could probably get behind that. We'll see. 

Song of the day: Hounds of Love - Pat Benatar